In many ways, the title of this book would suggest you should read only if you are >18. It was a bit difficult to digest at first, due to the language and ultra-direct approach. But as I read, it made more sense, and after completing the book, I was glad that I read it. The last few chapters are gold. It gave me new insights of life, and also gave me valuable realization to improve myself.
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| I think most of us are always worried and anxious about almost everything - We end up not feeling happy. |
This book shares how to care-less on the artificial things in life while managing more tangible and essential things in life. There are some concepts to note.
The Feedback Loop from Hell is something we do all the time, especially as a modern day human.
You get anxious about confronting somebody in your life. That anxiety cripples you and you start wondering why you're so anxious. Now you're becoming anxious about being anxious. You are officially anxious about your anxiety, which is causing more anxiety...
You get pissed off at the stupidest, most inane stuff, and you have no idea why. And the fact that you get pissed off so easily starts to piss you off even more. And then, you petty rage, you realize that being angry all the time makes you a shallow and mean person, and you hate this; you hate it so much that you get angry at yourself. So, you are angry at yourself getting angry about being angry.
Now here's the problem: Our society today, through the wonders of consumer culture and hey-look-my-life-is-cooler-than-yours social media, has bred a whole generation of people who believe that having negative experiences - anxiety, fear, guilt and etc. is not okay. In your Facebook feed, everyone is having a good time, getting married or having nice presents. You are stuck at home flossing your cat.
The Feedback Loop from Hell has made many of us overly stressed, overly neurotic and self-loathing.
Back in Grandpa's day, he would feel like shit and think to himself: "I feel like cow turd today. But hey, I guess that's just life. Back to shoveling hay." Nowadays, you open Instagram, Tik-Tok and are bombarded with 350 images of people living totally happy lives! This is why not giving a f*ck is key.
The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. The acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.
The more you desperately want to be happy and loved, the lonelier and more afraid you become. The more you want to be spiritually enlightened, the more self-centered and shallow you become in trying to get there.
You're going to die one day. You and everyone now are going to be dead soon. And in the short amount of time between here and there, you have limited amount of f*cks to give. If you go around giving a f*ck about everything and everyone without conscious thought or choice, you're going to get f*cked.
This does not mean that we should not care of anything. We should give our best in what we do, and hope for the best. For important or noble cause (friends, family, purpose), one would not give a f*ck and pursue it in the face of adversity.
Disappointment Panda - the superhero that reminds us that the greatest truths in life are usually the most unpleasant to hear. He is a hero that none of us would want but all of us would need. He'd make us stronger by tearing us down, brighten our future by showing us the darkness. We suffer for the simple reason that suffering is biologically useful. It is nature's preferred agent for inspiring change. Problems are constant in life, and happiness comes from solving problems. So don't avoid your problems. Just do something. Don't wait for inspiration and motivation. Start doing something, and the inspiration may follow. Happiness is a constant work-in-progress, because solving problems is a constant work-in-progress. The solutions to today's problems, will lay the foundation for tomorrow's problems and so on.
Most people f*ck things up in two ways:
- Denial. This may make them feel good in the short term (temporary high), but nothing good in the long term.
- Victim mentality. Some choose to believe that there is nothing they can do to solve their problem. Victims seek to blame others.
Wow. That is true. I didn't realize that!
People who feel entitled view every occurrence in life as either an affirmation or, a threat to, their own greatness. Entitlement is a failed strategy. It is just another high. It is not happiness.
The true measurement of self-worth is not how a person feels about her positive experiences, but rather how she feels about her negative experiences. Entitlement plays out in one of two ways:
- I'm awesome and the rest of you all suck, so I deserve special treatment.
- I suck and the rest of you are all awesome, so I deserve special treatment.
Selfish people flop back and forth between the two, depending on the day of the week.
We are for most part, pretty average people. It's the extremes that get all the publicity (via the internet). Every day, we are flooded with the truly extraordinary, the best of the best. The internet has not just open-sourced information; it has also open-sourced insecurity, self-doubt and shame.
Being average, ordinary and mediocre is normal. You appreciate life's basic experience - simple friendship, creating something, helping someone in need, reading a good book, laughing with someone you care about... Sounds boring, as these are ordinary. But maybe, because they are what actually matters.
I find the chapter on values / metrics in life really insightful. Mason explains that there are some common values that create really poor problems for ourselves, that can hardly be solved:
- Pleasure - A false god. It is not the cause of happiness, but the effect / by product of it. Ask an adulterer who shattered her family and lost her children whether pleasure ultimately made her happy.
- Material success - Other values such as honesty, nonviolence and compassion is often sacrificed.
- Always being right - It's better to assume that you're ignorant and don't know a whole lot. That's how we learn and grow.
- Staying positive - Denying negative emotions leans to experiencing deeper and prolonged negative emotions and to emotional dysfunction. Constant positivity is a form of avoidance, not a valid solution to life's problems. Things go wrong, people upset us, accidents happen, and we will feel like shit. Negative emotions (like suffering) are necessary component of emotional health. The trick with negative emotions is to 1) express them in a socially acceptable and healthy manner and 2) express them in a way that aligns with you values. For e.g., a value of mine is nonviolence. When I get mad at somebody, I express that anger, but I also make a point of not punching them. The anger is not the problem. Anger is part of life and is natural. Punching people is the problem.
In the long run, completing a marathon makes us happier than eating a chocolate cake. Raising a child makes us happier than beating a video game. Starting a small business with friends while struggling to make ends meet makes us happier than buying a new computer. These activities are stressful, arduous and often unpleasant. Yet they are some of the most meaningful moments and joyous things we'll ever do. The years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.
The point is to nail down some good values and metrics, and pleasure and success will naturally emerge as a result. Examples of good values: honesty, innovation, vulnerability, standing up for oneself and others, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, creativity... Good values are achieved internally.
Examples of bad values: dominance through manipulation, feeling popular and good all the time, being center of attention, not being alone, being liked by everyone, being rich for the sake of being rich. These values are not reality, reliant on external events. There is no way to control how other people think of you.
